Sunday, January 25, 2009

Heirarchy of Band Members

If you laugh, you're a band geek, or you dated one.

Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to god

Trombone player:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with god

Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks to god if special request is approved

Floutist:
Rarely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by god

Bassoonist:
Makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog-paddles
Talks to animals

Saxophone player:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
Is not issued any ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls, argues with himself

Clarinet player:
Too afraid too jump building because of their reed
Works in locomotives
Too busy with reed for gun
Throws reed into water
Thinks reed is god

Trumpet player:
Argues with building when it won't get out of the way
Sleeps in locomotive
Claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth when explaining why he really can't
Saves water to drink after every triple C
Thinks he's god.

Tuba player:
Don't really exist
Plays silently
Are really mimes in disguise
Believe there is no god

Percussionist:
Falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses arguments with himself

Horn player:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is god

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